I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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