he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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