She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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