You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
