my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the condom got lost in my hair
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize
