accomplished twins. life is a go
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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