You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
