My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Randomize
