Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
