my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
