dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
