Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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