My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The beers last night were like the tears from god
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
