I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
