I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
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Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
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Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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