Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
