Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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