Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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