respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
last night I used snow as a chaser
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
