I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
