i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
