I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
