I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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