I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
