i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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