Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
