im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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