oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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