My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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