I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
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That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
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It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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