the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
