i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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