He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
