i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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