Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
