I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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