Your favorite bartender is back from prision
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
