I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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