Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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