you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
