I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
