we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
