I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
