He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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