So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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