Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
