I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
