Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
