FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
