So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
