Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
