I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
