i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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