How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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