id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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